I wanted to create this page so that I might communicate with the people that listen to my music and support us at our shows. Also to give you a little bit more of an idea as to why? Why What? Well, it would be an injustice if the people that listen to these song didn't understand where they come from. I must addmit that I often don't understand either, but I can tell you that they're all from the heart. I'd love to be able to say that as I perform that I look out into the audience and draw something from them, some kind of strength maybe, as I assume many other performers do. Unfortunatly all I see when I'm on stage are the faces of those that caused the creation of these songs to be necessary. I only wish that I could put those demons to bed, but maybe they're the only thing keeping me going. I get ahead of myself however. This page will be a constant work in progress. Call it a journal maybe. My way of speaking to you, since I'm normally in such a state after or before a show. Also, my way of answering questions anyone might have that make it to my ears. So here it is, my journal.
|2/15/04 I suppose the best place to start is right now. Many people are wondering what happened to Violentfix or if we are even still around. The answer is yes. You will see new show dates coming up in the near future, as well as some new music. I just posted another song slated for the next album up on the front page "Stranded" However Violentfix as a band has changed drastically. I would have always explained my music as "Sad Songs" or maybe "Love songs gone wrong". There's something more now, almost as if I realized that there was so much that I felt inside that I kept hidden even from myself. I like to call these barriers "Stiches", wether in my heart or in my mind they're my own little hiding places.|
|This has always been my music and so it's my fate to have to constantly rotate through band members. The current band members will be announced as we come closer to playing shows.I've always done this alone. It seems better that way. I feel bad for anyone that has to put up with me before, during and after a show. I also tend to become distracted and aloof when I'm writing. It takes a lot of will power to put up with me and my "moods".|
|Many people that have seen me in the last two years also know that I've changed many things about myself. I guess you could say that I've gone back to the beginning, mainly because I felt that I had lost sight of why I really do this. Well, I have found what I was looking for and now it's time to start sharing it with you again.|
|That's all I really have to say right now. In the future I plan to give a little more detail and history about some of our music and some of my more favortite songs. Until that time, thanks for listening. I beleive this page is more for me than you and you do me the honor of wanting to hear my words. 2/15/04|
|3/17/04 So your back again..... I'm impressed. This last weekend was spent reliving old times and preparing for a new day. I said goodbye to a life long friend that will be going away for a long time. Rich McNally from the band "Dark Martyr" or in the world of Violentfix, the co-writer of the song "Devil's Liar" Many of my earliest songs were colaborations between Rich and myself. If it wasn't for the distance between us I believe that we would still be writting together today. Many of the songs that I feel strongly about even to this day, such as "Don't follow Me", "The Machine" and Laura's World" were all in some way reworked by Rich at some point in time.|
|Traveling back to NYC I started to feel more alone than I ever have before. Renewed is some ways, almost as is if a new page had been turned and as I looked down to read it I noticed that nothing has yet been written. However, still alone. Few of us are lucky enough to have someone that we feel a true attachment to, the kind of attachment that only childhood years can form between friends. You will be missed..... But I will grow stronger in your absense....|
|6/25/04 And so, here we are again. Time has passed and we’ve all move forward in some meaningless way, or maybe not. Maybe I’m the only one that feels so meaningless. I’m sure things like music mean something different to each person. I’m sure it’s the same way with photography or painting. No one can ever REALLY understand why you do it. Why we do most of the things we do. I don’t think that we even know ourselves. I have a friend, one of my only close friends, funny how I’ve found myself surrounded by co-worker “Musicians” that I spend all of my time with, whatever happened to “Friends”? Well, this is a real friend and this friend tries so hard to understand my pain, but I feel like my pain is very much my art and the same way that no one can really understand my music, I fear it’s the same, when it comes to pain. But they try and I must admire them for it and I’m honored that someone cares. I doubt they even like my music, but they care and that’s probably why I keep them close. My only real friend. Sad…|
Not really. Having friends is a hard business, people will ultimately fail you, I’m sure of that. Not to mention that happiness is truly overrated and would probably spell the death of a musician like myself. Loss is my friend. How about guilt? Self… hatred? Why do we think that people care? I don’t write this expecting anyone to read it; it’s not entertaining, or deeply moving, although it does bring a tear to my eye.
| Devil’s Liar was about friendship, although it’s been labeled “Violentfix’s Eighties Song”. I guarantee you that it wasn’t written in the eighties, unless I wrote it in middle school. People are Vampires, all people, including you and me. We need something from every person that we are an acquaintance of. We don’t realize it because some of these needs are so small that no one could notice them. We do it to friends all of the time, in fact friends are our chief source of blood (speaking figuratively). We choose who we hang out with by what we currently need and who supplies us with that emotion, sensation, whatever. We long for more friends when we’ve tapped certain resources within old friends and we simply let those old friends fade away. Don’t worry, don’t feel guilty, because they do it to you too and they don’t realize it either. Sad…
Not Really. I once knew a girl that made me feel so “intoxicated” by her very presence, that I disappeared from the world as we know it for an entire month. It wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t even really a friendship and I don’t think that either of us realized what we were doing. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, yet one of the greatest moments. I lost someone that I loved a great deal during this time and I’ll never forgive myself. You see, unfortunately this girl became addicted to the “energy” that she found in me and she decided to destroy everything I had, hoping that when it was all gone, I be there solely for her. She was wrong, but she still succeeded in tearing down the walls of my reality. I lost everything, and Violentfix was born.
Surrounded by people yet utterly alone
Time continues to pass and yet I still feel exactly the same. What has happened to everyone around me? What has happened to the people I used to know? Is this what it means to grow old? That the people you trusted and thought you’d know till the day you die slowly disappear out of your life and go on to watch Sunday Football and eat at Sizzler each Wednesday night. Is there anyone else out there that feels there is something wrong with this? Did these people just choose to give up?
What Changed? One too many turndowns. No more energy for the game that is life. Found someone you think should be the only person in the world. Decided that it was just too hard. I don’t know but what I do know is that the people I have respected the most throughout my life are the ones that never choose to give in to this desensitized way of thinking. Call them martyrs for the cause, if you will. We all grow up and I am no longer a kid anymore, but does the world really end in your late twenties? Does this mean that I should stop caring about the people I love and find a bunch of friends that are married with children so that I can have a “NORMAL” life too? FUCK NO! I absolutely refuse to become one of them, those that give up on us.
I know, I know what you’re thinking. Violentfix will grow old alone and turn bitter. I’ll be that older guy in the corner of the club that sits there present but in reality is light years away remembering… remembering. That is probably what I will be. But I simply refuse to give in.